The Book of Not: The Book of Gehenna: The Awakening of Troile

GEHENNAVISION! PART ONE! Brought to you by a grant from the Endron Oil Corporation, educational features for ignorant times.

[CUT TO: blank white screen. PULL BACK to reveal it is part of the crossbar of the 'H' in the Hollywood Sign.]
[MUSIC: The theme from "Love American Style".]
[Music ends.]
VOICEOVER: Hoooooooo

[PAN LEFT to a busy evening street in Hollywood. Limousines crowd the streets, and the sidewalks are packed with people.] VOICEOVER: ...oooooooooo-ray for TOR-readorr

[CRASH ZOOM on TOREADOR LOSER sauntering along the street.]

VOICEOVER: Those wacky nutty artists, TOR-readorrrr...

[PAN AHEAD of TOREADOR LOSER to Graumann's Chinese Theatre.]
[VOICEOVER is relentlessly jolly.]

VOICEOVER: Yes, that's right, folks, they see what we see. They know what we know and deep down they know we are the same. But it doesn't matter now---their pathetic minds couldn't comprehend any of this anyway...ha ha ha! Well, let's see what mischief they get into this week.

[ZOWIE ZOOM on street preacher outside Graumann's Chinese. He is holding a sign that says: "The End Days are Here: Buy American"]
[TOREADOR LOSER looks dully at the street preacher.]

VOICEOVER: Look at him! Ha ha! He can't make head or tail out of it. Well, it doesn't really matter, because look behind him!

[EXTREMELY FAST CRASH ZOWIE ZOOM on concrete slab in Graumann's Chinese Theatre's courtyard. It is Red Skelton's and reads "Thanks Sid, We Dood It."]
[The slab begins to crack, and suddenly, there is a huge explosion, and a woman hauls herself up out of the ground.]

VOICEOVER: It's Troile, the clan founder. Hey, Troile! You've been in torpor for well over fifteen hundred years! What are you going to do now?
TROILE: I'm going to find you, little voiceover man, and drain you and all your kind dry.
VOICEOVER: She's going to Disneyland!

[LAWRENCE WELK enters.]

WELK: Thats-a right. She's one bad-a ass motherfucker whose-a gonna clean up-a this town as soon as she's-a got an agent.

[CUT TO: TROILE sitting in a waiting room, between a mime and a mother holding an insufferable-looking little kid on her lap.]
[PAN LEFT to sign: "Ace 24-Hour Theatrical Agents."]

MOTHER: Herman was in that Gooshy Gooze commercial, weren't you, Herman?
KID: Aw, Mom, you know my name's Adolf.
TROILE: I'm not interested in your pathetic, puny, idiotic mortal existences.
MOTHER: He's going to be in the next Spielburg picture, too.

[TROILE bares her fangs and snarls at the pair. As she does, the MIME imitates her every move.]

TROILE: I don't care. I hate you. Shut up. You puerile morons, don't you know who I am?
KID: Ethel Merman?
MOTHER: Harry Reasoner?
SECRETARY: Mizz Troy-lee?
TROILE: _*WHAT*_?
SECRETARY: Mistah Jones will see you now.

[CUT TO: JONES sitting at desk. TROILE enters, the MIME following right behind. The MIME looks around and leaves.]

JONES: Hey, Troy baby bubbelah have I gotta deal for you you bet I have sweet cakes sugar pants I can see it now. Gibson! No, Harrison Ford and you, nude. Yeah, lots of nudity but very artistic. Guns! He's a convenience store clerk with AIDS and you're a serial killer's victim with cancer. An Elfman soundtrack, available in K-Mart! No! Let's think big-screen, let's think concepts here, go with me on this one, baby, Troy, let's look at this again. You're a Central American revolutionary addicted to heroin and he's a pedophile priest with a death wish. No! A cop. The last good cop in New York! Los Angeles! Both! You're a Los Angeles disk jockey in a coma and he's a New York taxi driver who is blind, deaf and dumb and doesn't speak any English. A love story! A comedy. Something the whole family will love. Lots of nudity. He's a black lesbian agitator with sickle-cell anemia and you're a CIA agent with a conscience and Parkinson's. I gotta get with Sid on this ay-sap, get me? An action film. Special effects spectacular. "Jurassic Park" meets "The Graduate" meets "Rocky" with nudity and guns. A family picture. Something for kids.

[JONES picks up the receiver and starts dialing]

TROILE: Foolish mortal, you are trying my....

JONES: Troy bubbelah, I'm dialing, babe. This is your FUTURE. [to Phone:] Yeah, Sid? Marty. Think of "Die Hard" on a motorcycle, babe, "Die Hard" meets "Basic Instinct" on a motorcycle in a nightclub, we get Gibson or Ford or Gibson AND Ford and this TALENT I have sitting RIGHT IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW she's sort of a Stone/Pfieffer/Roberts heavy on the Stone if you know what I mean and I know you do, we're talking big box office, send me a script babe and she'll be there with bells on and only bells babe if it's important to the plot. She's sensitive but a hard worker prompt but on time and I think she can read a script. Hang on. [to TROILE:] You can read, right babe? [to Phone:] Reads as well as Olivier but costs half as much to feed, ha ha, love you Sid, we'll lunch it next week. Ciao.

[JONES stops for breath, hanging up. He looks TROILE up and down...]

TROILE: Is this the state of art and beauty today?
JONES: Did I mention lots of nudity? Oh, yeah, great art. Mm-hmm. Tell you what, Troy, I'll get back to you and we'll do lunch.
TROILE [with an evil grin]: I'm sure we....
JONES: Great. Wonderful, muffin-chin. NEXT!

[CUT TO: Outside. TROILE looks confused.]

TROILE: I was going to kill that rat bastard, but suddenly I'm outside! What's going on?
VOICEOVER: Sorry. No continuity in this reality, kid. Something must be happening.
TROILE: I'll say. This isn't anything like what I expected.
VOICEOVER: Are you trying to say that you're a hundred percent pure adrenaline?
TROILE: No.
VOICEOVER: Maybe you're the hottest movie of the summer?
TROILE: No.
VOICEOVER: You're their worst nightmare?
TROILE: Well....
VOICEOVER: You were a good cop until they pushed you too far?
TROILE: Maybe the nightmare part. I'm gonna clean up Hollywood and make it into an artist's paradise. I'll protect my Childer---they'll love me so much that I'll never have to worry about hunting ever again.
VOICEOVER: But what about those blackouts you keep having? Those little jumps where you don't know what you did or why?
TROILE: Same as I've always done. Pretend they aren't there.
VOICEOVER: Not smart...
TROILE: What?

[TROILE runs around a corner and sees a VOICEOVER MAN holding a script and a microphone.]

TROILE: There you are!
VOICEOVER MAN: Aaah!

[In a flash, TROILE has killed the VOICEOVER MAN. She then walks into the Hollywood night as the theme from "Police Beat." plays.]

[Roller caption: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR PART TWO OF GEHENNAVISION: THE AWAKENING OF BRUJAH.]

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