The Book of Not: The Book of Genesis II

Genesis II: Electric Boogaloo {The earliest known version of this manuscript is a 14th century monastic treatise. The term "Electric Boogaloo" is yet another of the tremendously fascinating (and bizarre) anachronisms to permeate this manuscript.}

[TAKE NOTES. THERE WILL BE A TEST.]

1. In the beginning there was Citizen Caine. [Everybody wave hi to Caine.]
2. And Caine beget Sugar, and Big Daddy, and Novo, and Sin, and Toads, and Trips. [Look at all of Caine's pretty children.]
3. And they kept his name as their own. [And Caine was sore, for he had no name [and no liniment]]
4. And so Caine wiped them out and yelled for everything to start over. [What a big-headed bore.]
5. [And yet they live on today]

1. And Caine beget three Freaky Old Guys. They were all equally Freaky, they were all equally Old, and they were all equally Guys.
2. But we will call them Freaky, Old and Guy, for short.
3. Old hated Guy. Guy hated Old. Both hated Freaky. [Let's call the whole thing off.]
4. Freaky didn't care about Guy or Old or Caine or even Freaky. He was too busy sending away for X-Ray Spex That Really Work from the back of comic books. [How many of you have X-Ray Spex?]
5. One night, Old decided he would gain an advantage over Guy. That night, he created the Vermouth, to be leaders over all the world, even Guy.
6. Guy was sore. He created the FreeBeer, to combat the Vermouth for supremacy over the world. [He gave them secret powers over the dark and mysterious world of Cheetos as well... for none can withstand their horrid might!]
7. Old retaliated with the BlueHot, dedicated to usurping the Vermouth. But then the BlueHot began jamming the Vermouth! [Poor Old, what will he do? Can anyone tell me?]
8. Old quickly made the FangGrow, to be warriors without direction, easily manipulated into being the hit men of the Vermouth. [Good guess, though.]
9. And Guy smiled quietly when he saw Old's panicked state. He silently created the LostForAllYou, to be his eyes and ears in the steadily growing community of Old's children. [Sit up. Pay attention. There will be a quiz at the end.]
10. And because Guy didn't want Old to find them, as a smokescreen, he created, with much fanfare, the FourOnTheFloor.
11. And Guy looked at what had happened. And he realized that where before there had been only Caine, Guy, and Old (oh, and Freaky), there was now Caine, Guy, Old, Freaky, and dozens of whining, nattering, self-important dimwits.
12. And Old looked at what had happened and he thought the same thing.
13. And Caine saw what had happened and he thought "Fuck this. I'm outta here." [And yea, he became a gas station attendant in Toledo. {No non-Malkavian could confirm or deny this.}]
14. And Old and Guy realized they needed a scapegoat just in case Citizen Caine came back. [{unreadable} rosebud {unreadable}]
15. And Old and Guy remembered Freaky.
16. And Old and Guy slowly massed their forces against Freaky, who was busy fooling around with his X-Ray Spex That Really Work.
17. And one night, Freaky realized that he needed to go see Old and Guy, but he had nobody to hold his glasses.
18. And so Freaky created Malkav [You may cheer now.] to hold his X-Ray Spex That Really Work. [But when Malkav looked through them, they did not work.]
19. And so it was that Freaky stood on a hill in his city on a hill, [which he had built in order to get the box tops necessary to receive his Captain Napalm Supersecret Decoder Ring] and looked down at the forces arrayed against him.
20. And Malkav stood in a window nearby and looked.
21. And the armies of Old and Guy advanced.
22. And Freaky looked down at the armies, and at Old and Guy at their head.
23. And Freaky held a torch in his hand.
24. And Old and Guy stood on the hill with Freaky.
25. And Freaky dropped the torch.
26. And Freaky dropped the torch into a wide trough of lamp oil.
27. And Freaky dropped the torch into a wide leaky trough of lamp oil located just above several other barrels of lamp oil.
28. And in that light, the light that Freaky and Old and Guy and their armies made, for the first time, Malkav saw through the X-Ray Spex That Really Work, and saw that they did Really Work, indeed.
29. And this is not a story my people tell. It is something I know myself. Because when I do my job, I am thinking about these things. Because when I do my job, that is what I think about.
    {Laurie Anderson, "Mister Heartbreak", circa 1985}

1. Think on these things:
2. First, who is Citizen Caine? Why the bad pun? Why not a worse pun?
3. Second, list other creation myths that contain an action sequence. Who should play Freaky, Steven Segal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rick Moranis or Harvey Keitel?
4. Third, list six other ways Freaky could have committed suicide. Be specific. Demonstrate at least three.
5. Last, how many eyes did Malkav have? How many worked?