The Book of Not: Introduction

A: You want to know Malkav's words? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT? They're bound to be completely USELESS.

CHRIST, this obsession you people have with people who are nothing but OLD DEAD WHITE GUYS is completely beyond me. Oooooooh who was the clan founder Ooooooooh what are they doing now Oooooooooh what's gonna happen when they come and get us Oooooooooooooh Caine is one bad ass dude and I don't want to mess with him Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh SHUT THE HELL UP. You are crazy if you think that anyone of those assholes is important AT ALL. They died so long ago that they couldn't cope with tying their shoes, crossing the street, watching television, or, yes, READING AND WRITING. Remember, these assholes are almost certainly completely ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ILLITERATE because they DIED long before anything which is even recognizably close to what we call WRITING had even ever been THOUGHT OF.

AND GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS, LOGIC-BOY! IT MEANS THE BOOK OF NOD IS A LOAD OF CRAP, and wasn't written by anyone who had even the faintest idea what those clan founders or Caine (haw haw haw, another vocabulary word) would have wanted to say to you even had they ever met you which they hadn't, even had they known anything about the world you live in, which they didn't, even had they known anything about your life, which they didn't, even had they cared anything about you, which they wouldn't, and EVEN HAD THEY TWO BRAIN CELLS TO PUT TOGETHER A SINGLE COHERENT THOUGHT RELEVANT TO THE MODERN WORLD WHICH THEY DON'T. "But but but but..." QUIT YOUR GOD DAMN SNIVELING! THINK FOR YOURSELF!

Okay, let's assume that somehow the words of these insanely old vampires managed to make it down through the ages completely one hundred percent legitimate and accurate boy howdy wouldn't that just be great? Yessir we sure wouldn't have any problems then, would we? YESSIR, YES MA'AM, we'd just do whatever the book said and we'd rise RIGHT TO THE TOP OF THE FUCKING HEAP that's what we'd do. Yessir, yes ma'am, yessir, because they are so superpowerful. NO THEY ARE NOT. THEY ARE LAME ASS CHEAPJACK PUNKS. Let's look at the truth. Forget the facts, they will only confuse you. Let's look at the ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AMERICAN-MADE truth, and we'll start with Caine, yeah, with an 'e', because that means we're COOL. Yeah, let's start with Caine, that ass wipe. Step one: check out the Bible. All right yeah. Okay so God (haw haw haw vocabulary word TWO) says "Bring me some sacrifices, dickweeds." and Abel says "Duh, sure." and sacrifices some cattle, and Caineeeee says "Duh, sure." and sacrifices some vegetables, and then feels bad because God liked Abel's better than his, and so he kills Abel and God says "Now what the hell did you do that for, asshole? Geddouttahere."

Well, fuck, why is this guy supposed to be so cool, then? He KNUCKLED UNDER to God every single time he was asked to. "Bring me some sacrifices." HELL NO. What the hell have YOU done for me lately? Why don't YOU bring ME some sacrifices? You're supposed to be omnipotent and I'm NOT (heh heh heh, little does he know) so why the hell am _I_ doing things for YOU? That's what Caineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee should have said. (more 'e's! That means he's cooler, right?) But noo! He was a pathetic little ass-kissing weasel and not only did he go and bring God a sacrifice, he FELT BAD ABOUT IT. See what I mean about you not being able to learn anything from this yahoo? YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO FEEL GUILTY FOR NO REASON AT ALL. YOU DON'T NEED CAIN TO TEACH YOU. The whole world is dedicated to guilt, it's founded on guilt, it runs on guilt and you know what it's gonna die from? I'll give you three guesses. WRONG! WRONG AGAIN! WRONG WRONG WRONG! It's gonna die from guilt or me blowing it up, that's what.

Okay, so let's say that maybe we're telling it wrong. Let's say Caineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee was a real bad ass motherfucker who didn't take any shit from anyone. Well, WHAT POSSIBLE USE WOULD THAT BE? If you don't take any shit from anyone, you'll be dead as Dillinger faster than a five-dollar blow job. SURVIVING AND PROSPERING IN THIS WORLD MEANS YOU HAVE TO EAT SHIT. And if you smile while you're doing it, they'll make you Prince or President. It doesn't matter whether you eat shit or not, what matters is whether you get PAID to eat it. And that's one thing I guarantee you Cain (enough of that joke already) could not possibly teach you in a million years, but which I could and have right here right now. SEND ME FIVE DOLLARS NOW. Right now.

Enough about Cain. He was a moron and you are too if you think anything he ever said could possibly help you with anything. Now let's use a little LOGIC here, eh? Let's use some of that there RATIONALITY old Jim-Bob keeps going on about. So if Cain didn't know diddly, does it make any sense that anyone in the Second Generation (what is this Generation crap anyway? Just a load of BULL made up by some Tremere somewhere I bet. But you believed it, so it MUST BE TRUE.) would know anything? NO. WRONG. They DIDN'T. They COULDN'T. And so on and so forth from the Second to the Third, and so on and so forth and so on and so fucking forth down to ME.

"Wait a minute," I can hear you thinking (I got EARS in the sides of my HEAD, dontcha know), "are you saying that you're as ignorant as the rest? Am I as ignorant as the rest? That can't be! I have an education! I'm well-read! I'm well-rounded! I've even fucked a few times! My sire knew what he was doing!" HAW HAW HAW THINK AGAIN! YOUR SIRE DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING MORE THAN YOU. I know everything there is to know about you, the worst things you ever did are NOTHING compared to the depravities I perform EVERY DAY on the way to the SUPERMARKET, the best things you ever did mean SQUAT compared to the saintly acts I strew about me EVERY DAY on my way BACK. Even MARGARET THATCHER begs me for sex, and I give it to her. I give it to everyone! I'm fucking you RIGHT NOW. That itching sensation? THAT'S ME. That high-pitched 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' sound just at the edge of hearing? THAT'S ME. AND YOU WANT MORE. YOU NEED MORE. YOU BEG FOR MORE.

ONE WORLD OR NONE.

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