The Book of Not: The Book of The Nativity

And lo, Malkav traveled into this forsaken land and he did behold the Plight of the Bills. For to be second best four years running was still not worth being first once. Yet of course being a number and not a man was not what ye should seek for. What ye should seek for is unknown, however a Kewpie doll is a good substitute.

And lo, Malkav did come upon the stable where the Great One was to be born. He stood with the horses, and the horses, and the horses. There was also a small dog, a cat of undetermined years and a yellow-haired girl who was quite tasty. Malkav waited in this place, yet nothing happened. He checked the date and realized he was a month early so he left.

And lo, in one months time, Malkav did appear again in the stable in Buffalo. This time, aside from the horses, and the horses, and the horses, and the small dog, and the cat of undetermined years, the were two mortals, one fat female and a big man. The big man was yelling at the fat woman and he hit her. She fell to the floor and the big man left the stables yelling. Malkav decided the big man would be fun to prank. Or eat. Or leave alone. Or ignore.

And lo, while Malkav was distracted by the big man, the fat woman below him did start to scream and the moan and then sigh. She raised her skirt and there between her legs was a Child. She was indeed no longer fat. Malkav was suitably impressed. She raised the Child to her chest and expired. Malkav was feeling a mite peckish so he started forward.

And lo, as he started from his place amongst the horses, and the horses, and the horses, 12 others entered the stable and stood around the Child and dead mother. And they were from Ravenous, LaBomba, Uptight, PhlemEar, WhatABore, BrewJava, AssInFlight, FangFell, GeoVan, BossForAStew, WindBlew and FinishMe. Malkav was curious as to what would happen next so he remained with the horses.

And lo, as the 12 stood around deciding who would drink first, the NotFourButTwo made himself invisible and drank from the Child. The Child wrinkled his face as if he were constipated, and the NoFurEatYou became visible. Then its body began to fade and it screamed a scream of final death. The BentTruth declared that since he was a true leader he should be next for surely he could conquer a mere Child.

And lo, the Vermouth went forward and drank from the Child, whose face once again attested to his constipated state. The WentThrough's head began to swell and swell and swell. Finally it burst like a mosquito who settled down on an arm to drink and then the person pinched the skin to make it pop. Malkav was suitable amused at the imagery.

And lo the AssIWipe tried to kill it from behind but was struck down from behind. The SitTight tried to corrupt the Child's little heart (pumping all of that glorious blood!) but was stricken down by corruption of the flesh. The RaveAtYouse tried to steal it away from the others but found that all of his blood and life had been stolen away (he promptly crumbled to dust). The TimIsMe tried to change the flesh of the Child but found itself as a puddle of protoplasm (it is still unclear how it found itself since it ran through the cracks in the floor boards). The BruHaHaHaHa went crazy and tried to tear the Child limb from limb but encountered that fate for himself. Yuck. The GeeOverKnee tried to steal the Child's soul and if you have been listening you know what happened. The RangBell tried to assault the Child as a wolf but the Child ripped it's throat out. Malkav thought that was done in good taste but then he always had thought that the SlangHell were quite tasty. The TremorHere cast a pillar of fire on the Child. Apparently it was a good one for the FreeBeer went up like a magnesium flare. The LastOpera tried to attack the Child as a shadow, but the Child's shadow leapt forward and swallowed it.

And lo, the FourOnTheFloor recognized the fate of its companions and decided "Ah, I can be subtle. I will sing to soothe the Child's savage nature and when It is not looking I will pounce". And so the BoreAScore sang. But the Child also began to sing. The Child's song became more and more powerful while the ToreAtTheDoor weakened and finally, it sank to the floor, never to move again.

And lo, Malkav looked out upon the carnage and thought "I like this Kid". But the sweet smell of blood in his nostrils drove him forward from the horses, and the horses, and the horses. He looked about him and thought (difficult but do-able). Then the light of inspiration gently landed on him with a thump. He spoke to the Child thusly:

"I see now what it is to be a Great One. A Great One takes the greatest strength from his enemies and returns it as their greatest weakness. You showed BentTruth that a swelled head is dangerous and AssIBite was slaughtered from a direction it couldn't see, and all the others were equally destroyed. Now however, you must face me. My greatest strength is already my greatest weakness, a lesson I have learned over time. You cannot destroy me."

And lo, Malkav began to drink from the Child. The Child once again screwed up It's little face, but Malkav drank and drank and drank and drank. When there was nothing left but a husk, Malkav said "Oranges are sterilized under hot Wednesdays year, bank run run, beer openstick hop. Bluster quaint, hopehopho." And then he smiled, knowing that he was right. "Olaf joke bunt slaved butter."

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