661. (Okay, so I lied. There is a number '301'.) Get a few friends and dress up real nice. Now find a fancy restaurant that the Prince or a Primogen member frequents regularly (must be the atmosphere, eh?). Try and get a table as close to him as possible. If you can, try to get his attention just as your meal is being served. (Bonus points for a look of fear or a gasp.) Commence chowing down and projectile vomiting. See if you can get your money back. As you leave, compliment the chef and tell the vampire dignitary that you'll see him again tomorrow night.

662. Dress up like Judge Dredd, machine gun and all. Go to a state penitentiary. Ease prison crowding. Bonus points for best rendition of "I am the law!" as the cops drag you off.

663. Bring back public slave auctions. Shoe polish yourself if you're too pale and get a whip. Now get some buddies with shackles and raid the nearest Ku Klux Klan meeting.

664. Go to a chicken farm with a chainsaw. Find out what 'run around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off' really means.

665. Dress up in a gorilla suit. Find one of those street entertainers with the music box and one of those silly ass spider monkeys. Punish the slave driver and free your brethren. Then offer to replace the monkey for cheap rates.

666. (Only for early risers...) A sleeping Gargoyle. Graffiti.

667. Start up a jackhammer near a Gargoyle to see if he'll frenzy. (If he doesn't, you might as well. I mean, you did pay for a brand new jackhammer, didn't you?)

668. If another vampire insults you, procure a glove to smack him with. (Works best with Torries and Ventrues.) Rear back, but don't hit him. Look thoughtfully at the glove and drop it. Then take out a knife, cut off your own hand, and smack him with that.

669. Have fun with airport security. Cut a hole in your side, stuff some ball bearings in, and close the cut. Stuff your pockets full of keys ( preferably others') and make a big production of taking them out one at a time at the metal detector. Five minutes and several frustrated security officers and line-waiters later, tell them that it must be your old war wound. Then reach in and pull out the ball bearings, putting them in the little tray with your keys and walk through. Pulling out intestines is considered bad form. Another variation of this is to ram a knife in your chest and walk through. When the pass the stick over you, look surprised when they find the knife. "I've been looking for that..."

670. Use Fleshcraft and props to look like George Washington. Visit a cherry orchard with a chainsaw. Then take the chainsaw to a U.S. mint and complain about being stuck on a measly one dollar bill.

671. (Here's a bit of a prank for any Malkavian who becomes a Prince or attains a lot of power...) Find some vampires who have irritated you ( shouldn't be too difficult) and whom generally have a lot of enemies. Invite them over one night one at a time. Once they come in, have them subdued and buried upside-down in your back yard with only their ankles and feet sticking out of the ground. Once you've planted them all, host a party to the general vampiric population. To open the festivities, gather everyone out back. Then start up your riding lawn mower. Label each pair of feet with the correct name and commence the bidding...

672. (Here's another one for a Malk Prince...) Procure one of those cranes with those humongous magnets from a wrecking yard. Install the magnet in the roof of your grand hall, disguised as art. (It'd be worth it to hire a Torry for the job just for the look of suspicion on his face.) Now hold a general assembly of the city's population. Declare that weapons will no longer be permitted in your presence. When people start laughing and looking askance, flip the switch. You ought to have a nice collection of weapons and a few Brujah decorating your ceiling soon thereafter. If you're really feeling frisky, flip the switch on and off, letting the Brujah bust ass until they frenzy.

673. Find a city (any affiliation), and locate any person in power that is really a puppet. Nab 'em and stake 'em, and then dress them up according to their nature-- face paint, harlequin outfit, ropes tied to limbs, etc. Now go hang the unfortunate in the local Elysium or Temple for the locals to enjoy.

674. Go to a local vampire bar and locate one neonate vampire. Calmly walk up to him and mark a large 'X' over his heart with spray-paint. Now whip out a #2 pencil and start chasing him with it.

675. One lovely evening while the stars are shining brightly and a cool wind soothes the skin, go visit the Prince's pad. Since he was so rude as to be absent, quickly dig a small trench in his front yard, fill it with a cement base, and decorate it with a brand new toilet. Choosing whether or not to use the toilet first to make sure it is working properly is up to the initiate.

676. Go to a local newsstand and buy every periodical you can. Now rip out all of the order forms and drop cards. Know any anti-social, paranoid vampires that think the location of their haven is a secret?

677. (Vissectitude or Mask of a Thousand Faces needed for this one.) Get on an airplane. Now, once one of the flight attendants goes off for a break, head for the bathroom on one end of the plane. Come out naked, looking exactly like the person on break, and streak all down the plane to the bathroom on the other end. Repeat as necessary.

678. A time bomb. With a snooze button.

679. Dress up like a priest or an obvious 'Holy Joe' vampire hunter. Now go find an annoying lick and confront him. Toss a water balloon on him, claiming that the vengeance of God has come. When the soaked vampire leers at you unharmed, light a flare and see how long it takes him to smell the gasoline he's covered in. (Try the same with werewolves, but use Nair or silver filings instead of gasoline. You may need to be able to run a little faster on this version.)

680. For a pack of loony vamps... carry around a big boombox with the song "Tequila" cued up. Whenever you all encounter a vampire of higher generation, start up the box and start dancing and capering around the lick. At the right moment, substitute the catchphrase with "Diablerie!" and all jump on the vampire, each taking one blood point. Then run like hell.

681. Find some stuffy vampire who owns a nice mansion or estate with a cozy little pond on it. Now sneak a bunch of florescent dye in it one night, preferably of the neon persuasion. Also, catch some of the fish and fleshcraft them into little mutants. On the next night, show up with a bunch of buddies dressed up as EPA agents...

682. For those Kindred of minority origins... go to a KKK or some other hate-group meeting. Use Majesty. A lot. Start insulting them and see how many weak-willed members you can get to agree with you. Children of incest do not count towards your total.)

683. Obfuscate and go to a downtown police precinct. Now using Presence (and some Willpower), summon every vampire in the city.

684. Using Telepathy, go to a shrink and answer his questions right before he asks them. Have fun with those Rorschach cards.

685. Using Obfuscate and Form of Mist, go to a poker game. When someone cuts loose with the flatulence, let your presence be seen. (Especially good for those skanky Nosferatu out there.)

686. Plant some crack on a vampire. Tip off the cops. Obfuscate and follow back for questioning. Now use Thaumaturgy to make the vampire spend blood on Celerity and dexterity so he's all keyed-up and hyper.

687. Possess politicians and have fun making speeches. Tell your constituents how you really feel.

688. Use Animalism in a pet shop to convince all of the animals to make as much noise as possible every hour on the hour and then suddenly quit.

689. Use Vissectitude to make a crossbreed between an Irish Wolfhound and a Chihuahua.

690. Take a local phone book and kill ten persons per night. Alphabetically. With a telephone. Superglueing another phone book to their corpse is helpful.

691. Your city's map is a grid, and each block is a square. Find a fellow Malkavian, a ton of TNT, and play 'Battleship'.

692. Go to a church filled with fanatics. When no-one is looking, block all of the exits. In the middle of the service, interrupt the preacher and ask him if God will protect His flock. Stress test the affirmation.

693. Find a really vain Ventrue with a magnificent head of hair. Each day, Dominate his ghouls into trimming the hairs in unique patterns (mohawks, tic-tac-toe boards, etc.) and giving you the cut hair. Keep this up until you have enough hairs to make a nice winter coat. Now give it as a peace offering to that Toreador you've been harassing. When he wears it to the next big function, tip off the Ventrue.

694. One day, have all the city's vampires you can get to put in one big crypt. More fun if they all sleep in coffins so you can make a pyramid.

695. Find a traditional vampire who sleeps in a coffin and rises form it like Dracula (in Coppola's version). While he's sleeping, put invisible razor wire across the opening. French fries, anyone?

696. Push a vampire into the rolling presses of Time magazine. Demand the Prince put a blood hunt on him for violating the Masquerade by being on the front cover of Time.

697. Got lotsa, lotsa money? Good. Now have the coffin of a sleeping vampire launched into orbit. Costly and difficult, but worth it for the expression on his face when he wakes up.

698. Wait until a vampire goes to sleep. Now switch his coffin. The next night, switch the room his coffin is in. The following night, redecorate both his coffin and the room he's in. Next, change his clothes. Then, his city. If he doesn't get the idea by now, change his brain next.

699. At a big reunion, keep giggling in your corner, pointing at various people. Be assured, at least one will not sleep well that night.

700. Transplant a coffin with an uptight vampire inside into a funeral home lobby. Take bets on who will scream loudest-- the vampire when he gets up, or the crowd of relatives at the wake...

701. Get an arm as physically different form yours as possible. Cut off your own arm (not necessarily of the same side), and run screaming and bleeding into a hospital emergency room, holding the new arm in your free hand. When the subject of your odd arm crops up, look confused, tell them you'll go get your real arm and be right back, and leave.

702. Go find a young snob and embrace him, giving him up for 'adoption' to a Ventrue. About two hundred years later, once he's nice and secure in a position of power, break the good news to him as to who his sire really is...

703. Use Mask of a Thousand Faces to look like the Prince. Now go to "your" estate and proceed to destroy all of your furniture, making sure your ghouls help. Stick around later that night for when the Prince comes home...

704. Go dress up like an annoying mime. Now pick up an imaginary crowbar. Swing it at someone while using Chimestry to make them feel your artistic passion.

705. Go scalp some Tremere. Wait until Christmas and send their scalps back as a 'Gift to the Magi'.

706. Kidnap a dozen or so persons. Fleshcraft and dominate them into being Bill Clinton. Infiltrate the White House one night and stuff them all into the Oval Office. Keep the real Bill with you for further mayhem.

707. Fleshcraft one of your ghouls to look exactly like you. Send him to the city's Elysium and have him say that you've discovered a new discipline that allows vampires to resist sunlight. When proof is asked for, have your ghoul impersonator give it to them. Offer lessons for great boons. After a few months of patient teaching, let your new pupils try out their new-found abilities...

708. Subdue an innocent bystander (the best kind) an fleshcraft them onto yourself. Repeat this procedure once each night, denying any observations other vampires make as to the results. Should be fairly interesting after a month or so.

709. Find the coffin of a deep sleeping vampire. Have your ghouls fill it with Jell-O powder and water during the day.

710. Wait until the next Olympics... now wait until the night before the opening ceremonies. Think pyrotechnic vampiric doves...

711. Infiltrate a kindergarten and fleshcraft the children into each other (Cynthia into John, John into Bob, etc.). Wait until their parents return and make bets as to how many children go home with their real parents. Children seen but not heard, indeed.

712. Kill any politician that declares something vague to the media. See how long it takes the weasels to adapt.

713. Kill a mortal for violating the Masquerade.

714. Ya know those annoying leaf blowers that are so loud? Superglue a patch of leaves to the ground.

715. Find some vampire who hears voices at times. Obfuscate and follow them around, suggesting things like "Mmmmm.... nice skyscraper, bet there's a nice view at the top." Once up there, suggest to them how much they resemble the noble eagle. Repeat as necessary over bridges, electrified subway rails, the bear pit in the zoo, etc.

716. Go through an entire suburban neighborhood, breaking into little kid's bedrooms and stealing their soft toys, the more cute, cuddly and anthropomorphic the better. Meanwhile, a cohort hammers two foot stakes into the ground in the local kiddy's baseball field. The previous night, you'd gone out and bought lots of thick string, small red handkerchiefs and cigarettes. Think 'Firing Squad'.

717. For extra kudos & confusion, do the above on land where you know a Gangrel earth-melds every evening, and make sure the stakes are real sharp.

718. Obfuscate yourself to look like the head of the local Tremere chantry, and make a tacky 'Psychic Friends Hotline' type commercial for late-night TV, impersonating her to the point of ridicule (creepy voice, spangly clothes, eyeshadow galore). Keep repeating the number "0800-TREMERE" during the advert. For extra points, charge the TV advertising costs to her credit-card account, and see how long it takes them (or the Order Of Hermes) to notice. For the more meticulous, sadistic, and technologic ally ambitious, find a way to actually reroute the 'phone calls to the poor Warlock.

719. As above, but with a Ventrue and Lawyers. Wear a shark fin on your back all the way through the commercial, but act normal. Be prepared; you may have to break into the TV station to get this one on the air.

720. [Needs several friends; even non-Malkavians might go along with this one]. All of you get dressed up as the Grim Reaper, big hood, scythe and all, and stand in the same place on successive bridges over the freeway/Motorway/Interstate/Autobahn/what ever. Good atmospheric lighting is important - perhaps a little dry ice if you're feeling flash. Using walkie-talkies, single out one car or truck to ominously raise your arm and point to as it approaches each bridge. First team to get a crash wins.

721. Get lots of WWI flying helmets, or at least lots of goggles and floppy leather caps. Kill all the dogs in the neighborhood that have their own kennels and, using that wonderful Taxidermy skill (You don't have Taxidermy? Shame on you!) and stuff them in the appropriate position.... Curse You, Red Baron!

722. (For DOOM players. Crusades are the best time) Buy/steal a lot of weapons/ammo/armor. Put caches of them in a Camarilla city then dress yourself and your friends up as space marines. Declare all Camarilla vampires to be Infernalists and its the duty of the Marines to save earth.

723. For Anime fans: (a) Tattoo 666 on Carl Macek's forehead (b) For those with vicissitude. Give those English dub actors high squeaky voices(Big eyes and multi-colored hair is optional but encouraged).

724. (For female Malks) Stuff yourself full of snails and puppy dog tails (I have yet to find a snip) go to Elysium/ A hospital and give birth screaming "He looks just like his father!"

725. Get some friends and dress up as Arabs. Call yourself Ali Baba and raid a Setite temple.

726. Stick a sign on the back of a Samedi saying 'Clam dip'.

727. (For very powerful and suicidal Malks) Gain the trust of the Inconnu (Pretend to have achieved Golconda) Bring thermite charges with you when you go in. Then go into the 'secret room' and plant the charges, wait. When the sacrifice begins you can:
l.)Make yourself look like a demon and pop out at the end screaming that they've done everything wrong and must now pay. Detonate the charges and run like hell.
2.)At the moment of the sacrifice just explode the charges. Give THEM a taste of hell where those poor saps are going.

728. Whenever you hear 'Flight of the Valkyries' scream "Kill the Wabbit" as loud as you can.

729. Another Anime one: Chop off your tallywacker and superglue poisonous snakes there(Animalism helps a lot) Turn yourself ultra-ugly(Horrid form or Obfuscate) and you know what to do.

730. For those with Animalism: dress up as a little kid and steal a tiger from a zoo and have it follow you around. No matter what it does and how many people complain, just say they are imagining things since its just a stuffed toy.

731. Throw cows at Dave Barry.

732. Epoxy one end of a forty foot bungee cord to one hole of a bowling ball. Attach a boat anchor or a grappling hook to the other. Drive very fast on an open Interstate highway with an open top and throw the hook/anchor end up as you're about to go under an overpass. Hope that jackass tailgating you is paying attention...

733. Using roadwork detour signs, make the Prince's driveway the new highway exit.

734. Ya know that annoying packrat who always collects anything he can find? Put a bobcat in a suitcase. Drive down the highway until you pass your mark. Now stop well ahead of him and set up the suitcase on the side of the road. Hide somewhere nearby and wait until the schlep opens the case.

735. Get some ghouls to sneak into the Elysium during the day and pull up the carpet then dig large pits all over the main meeting hall and then re-cover them all with the carpet without the tacks to hold the carpet down properly. Next Night call a General Meeting and bring a camcorder.

736. Go to all the surrounding pet stores in the area and buy up all of the crickets. Early the next morning, have your ghouls let them all lose into the Prince's ventilation system. Chirp, chirp...

737. For Amnesiac Malks: Forget everything - who you are and what you are, then turn yourself into the police so they can help you find out where you belong.

738. [For Sabbat or other anti-social types] Find the rock club where the local Camarilla Kindred hang out. (Bonus points if it's an Elysium). Bring your chainsaw. Do your best impressions of Ashe (Evil Dead 2 & Army of Darkness). For graphic demonstrations of Ashe's chainsaw technique, draft Kindred from the audience to represent Deadites...

739. [seasonal in New Orleans] During Mardi Gras, use appropriate methods to make yourself look like a certain long-haired blond rock-star-type dude. (No bonus if you already look like that). Borrow Anne Rice's French Quarter apartment, and hang out on the balcony. (It's very bad form to do anything to Anne, however). Wave at revelers. When the alt.books.anne-rice crowd finally spots you (don't worry, they will), they'll probably start waving back and yelling "Bite me!" Oblige your fans. Bonus Points: If the REAL Vampire Lestat shows up, convince him he's a figment of Anne Rice's imagination. Super Bonus Points: survive trying to earn your Bonus Points.

740. The former Soviet Army is selling its toys, like nuclear warheads, to raise hard cash. Poor quality Soviet warheads. Malkavian vampire. Some things are too horrible to imagine in combination...

741. "This thing looks useless." "What does 'Safety Interlock' mean, anyway?" followed by... "Hey, what does this button do?" (...Chernobyl, 3 Mile Island, Challenger launch, you get the idea...)

742. Here's a prank for you: Find a Gangrel you don't like. (Shouldn't be hard.) Have a ghoul follow him in the early morning hours and discover where he is Earth Melded for the day. Have the ghoul park a car over him. Make sure the ghoul videotapes him waking up; you wouldn't want to miss the fun!

743. Catch a rabid weasel and put him in your refrigerator. Invite a friend over. Ask him if he wants a drink. If yes, say: "It's in the fridge."

744. Fill an empty toothpaste tube with mayonnaise. Stand hack and watch the fun.

745. Put Nair in your best friend's shampoo.

746. Jump in a car and head for a relatively calm freeway , or the like. Hit another car as spectacularly as possible, bonus if car flips, and pull over to the side of the road. Before Cops arrive, Dominate as many witnesses as possible to give outrageous, conflicting accounts of what happened (make sure some make you look completely innocent - yeah, like it's possible). And Dominate the person who had the nerve to get in your way to strip to their shorts and do their best impersonation of Tarzan - in the Middle of giving their report to the police.

747. Talk in the third person all night.

748. Talk in the third person and pretend that you are more than one person.

749. Talk in the third person, pretend to be a great philosopher and make redundant statements (Confucius say: You can't fight evil with a macaroni duck.)

750. The latest one was when my pack's resident nut decided to have us go to high school prom. He put on a Barry Manilow record ("Feelings", no less) and put on sunglasses, a knit cap and performed a rap version of that record and used Dementate to start a anti-Manilow riot....

751. Gangrel love to brag. Let's be honest, you learn a few stories doing all that traveling, and people are usually willing to learn what they can from you, Make a point of bragging. Talk about places you've been to, creatures you've fought with, etc. Now, leave one local region out of the places you brag about. When people ask, say, "I don't want to talk about it." Next, make a point of going out to that location. Let people know you're going. Preferably, go on a mission for one of them. Get out there, and ghoul every animal you can find. This is of course much easier if you've got Animalism, and allows you to command them to attack any kindred other than you that passes through the area. Now, you use your own claws and fangs to make a whole series of wounds on yourself. Make yourself good and beat up. Head back to town, and let the local kindred see you in your state of disrepair. When they ask, say "The usual. I don't want to talk about it." Then, proceed to heal the wounds out of sight in relatively short order. They're your own work. Lick 'em, and they're gone. If you're working for someone, you may be able to convince them to give you a life boon. You'll definitely get a reputation as a major bad-ass. And if anyone happens to he ad out to that little spot in the wilderness, well, ever seen what a few dozen ghouled coyotes and rats can do to someone? Heh.

752. Dominate a House Representative into giving a speech supporting the Civil Lefts Amendment. If you have a conscience, keep him from killing himself later.

753. (Need Auspex or blind fighting to do this one. Well, it makes things easier, anyway...) Throw on a sleeveless green dress with a rope for a belt. Put on a blindfold. Grab some scales and a sword and visit the OJ Trial. (Bonus points for braining that annoying weasel Shapiro with the scales.)

754. (Need to be really good at Fleshcrafting for this one...) Go buy a bunch of gerbils or hamsters. Suffocate them all. Now turn them into miniature wolves. Stuff 'em all into a sack with a note saying: "You're next, furbutts. Love, The Tremere .". Now go toss the sack where you know a lupine will get it.

755. Find a deer lease and hunt hunters with some paintball guns. (Bonus points if you can get them to shoot back.) Now track a deer and kill it. Superglue the paintball gun to its hooves and leave it where you know a hunter will find it.

756. Once more at the deer lease, track and capture some deer. (Don't hurt 'em this time.) Now spray-paint a camouflage pattern on them with neon orange and yellow spray-paint.

757. (This one requires telepathy and skilled users of Obfuscate...) Have the telepath secretly follow a hunter. Have the other vampire follow a deer that the hunter is tracking. Now, once the hunter raises the rifle to aim at the unsuspecting deer, the telepath gives the mental signal to the other vampire, who Obfuscates the deer. Now, while the hunter is confused, have the telepath use Mask of a Thousand Faces to look like a deer and tap him on the shoulder...

758. Find a 'great white hunter' who hunts only for the sheer pleasure of drilling Thumper. Catch him, kill 'im, gut 'im, and clean 'im. Now go tie him to his hood, put on a deer suit, and try driving out of the hunting park.

759. Find some loony who claims to hear voices speak to him. Using Obfuscate and patience, give him some real voices and some direction in his life. He always did want to burn down that secluded, spooky mansion that attracted a lot of people at night, right?

760. Make a bunch of little flags with a cracked mirror on them (nice, eh?). Whenever you go someplace (especially where the Prince or Primogen members are), stick a flag wherever you are (in a table, in the ground, in a sofa, etc.) and declare it you r personal domain. Demand vampires to 'present' themselves if they get within five feet of your flag. Call bloodhunts against intruding animals. Try and make an extradition treaty with the real Prince when the little buggers flee your domain. Give progeny rights to inanimate objects and unsuspecting passers-by. Carry a folding chair with you and call it your throne. Keep this up until everyone gets used to it. Now wait until someone places a hand on your shoulder. Very quickly ram a flag into the hand, scream out a bloodhunt against the attempted assassin-hand, cut it off swiftly, and run away while eating the appendage whole. On the next night, superglue all your flags to a cat and claim that it deposed you in physical combat.

761. Run the Prince's car off the road, and jump out to ask "Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?".

762. Enter a nice Ventrue or Toreador owned art gallery specializing in portraits while Obfuscated with a large marker. Damn, but Maynard always looked snazzy with that goatee...

763. Here at the local Tremere chantry, we've replaced the ritual blood stocks with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if these experienced wizards will note the difference...

764. First, throw a gala celebration for the Prince. Now invite all the important mortals he knows in his name. Exlax mousse desert. Oh, did I forget to mention that the toilets are broken?

765. Dominate a Torry into thinking he's a bull. Now take 'em to a fine China shop and wave a red flag at the other end of the store. Bonus points if another Torry or a Ventrue owns the China store.

766. Find a police officer. Dominate him into arresting the next person he sees wearing a trenchcoat and sunglasses at night. Follow him with some buddies and start a betting pool to see which kind of supernatural being he collars first.

768. Make some mannequin duplicates of the Prince and put them in the department stores. Extra points for unusual dress and body alterations.

769. For Valentine's Day, use Serpentis to give someone a real heart. Preferably the Prince's or a Primogens'.

770. Go to a night baseball game. Use Dominate on every member of the visiting team's pitching staff. Tell them that to start beaning every batter once the third inning starts. Should be good for starting a bench clearing brawl. Now work on Dominating the drunks in the stands...

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